Man Threatens to Kill Neighbors with Kindness, Then Brandished Machete Named “Kindness”

Can we at least give Bryan credit for being clever? While we get a lot of mouth-breathing morons ’round these parts, we’d be hard-pressed to classify one of these idiots as clever, but here we are.

A ***** man is facing assault and battery charges after deputies say he attacked his neighbors with a machete that had the word “kindness” written on it.

***** County deputies arrested 30-year-old Bryan Duane Stewart last week.

Neighbors told deputies they heard banging and yelling coming from the man’s house all Wednesday. Stewart was also overheard saying he was going to “kill ’em with kindness,” an arrest report says.

Just before midnight, one neighbor decided to go over and check on things and ask Stewart to keep it down. The man told deputies Stewart came running out of his front door with a machete-style knife that had the word “kindness” written on the blade.

Another neighbor who saw what was happening stepped in to protect the other man and ended up getting cut on his hand, deputies say.

Deputies responded to the scene and used a taser on Stewart to take him into custody.

The arrest report says Stewart told deputies he “didn’t understand what was even going on” and “was just trying to go to sleep.” The deputy who wrote the arrest report noted that Stewart had a strong odor of alcohol on his breath, as well as bloodshot and watery eyes.

Deputies say Stewart also would not stop banging his head and kicking the inside of the patrol car after he was taken into custody.

Stewart was charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

I’m sure the victim found the irony as funny as we did.

What state does Machete Phil hail from? Extra points if you get the Machete Phil reference!

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Bryan Stewart is from Milton, Florida. Machete Phil was a fictional character portrayed in a campfire story is Broken Lizard's "Club Dread"!

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